Everything is kind of messed up. My heart beats. My hands are cold. Everywhere in my body is trembling. I've been crying but the tears have stopped but I'm sure it's not enough to calm me down. I didn't expect this to happen to me.

I don't know what went wrong. I was so hurt at that moment. I just felt like I wanted to finally tell how I've been feeling this whole time. How at times I felt hurt when they've done that sort of thing to me. How at times I cried in my room feeling like I'm such a bad friend. Never in my mind have crossed that they're the one who's the bad friend, they're the one that are the villains. I've never thought of that because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm wrong, I'm scared that it was just stupid thought. That's why I pushed that to aside. I blame it on myself. I blamed that, they ignored me because I did something terrible. So like I said, I retraced my steps. What went wrong, what did I do to make them do that. Was I being a major bitch? Did I say something bad? Was I getting annoying? Did I hurt them? Was I untrustworthy?

All of those things repeats in my head. Because, just no matter how much that person did something wrong to me, no matter how much it hurt me, I would never go as to, I will never talk or be with that person again. I have to admit, I have this habit to be liked. Not for attention, not for spotlight but to have that people to like you back, to be beside you, is the best thing in the world. And tryin' to suite in and do my best to be there ( not all the time ) mostly. I've never liked to be alone. That is why, whenever I have a fight with someone, I'll try my best to fix it. That is why, even though sometimes it's their fault, I would blame it to myself. That is why, even people say, "just don't care anymore", I could never do that 'cause I wouldn't want to be separated from them. My friends. I would never give up the little moment where we had laughter and memories just because a little fight. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to lose a friend. I would try my hardest to get them back. But mostly i'll try my best not for me , not for them but it's for the good of us , our relationship.


I have another habit to be in every part of invitations and gatherings with them. because, I don't like to be left out on things. I don't like to be the person who doesn't have a memory of that joyful time ('cause I know, every events are like amazing). It feels so weird when the others tell me how fun it was, how great it was and I was not there to enjoy it. It just sometimes hurt. Especially when that person rubs it in my face. I'm sorry to say this, but how would you feel if I didn't invite to a gathering? I'm sure I'm not overreacting on that, I'm pretty sure you'd feel bummed out. That's how I've been feeling. If it's something private. I don't mind, I don't mind if you tell me, "it's something personal between me and her". It may sting a little, but at least I would know what was going on. At least I don't have the curiosity that you hate me or something. At least it's not something that you're doing behind my back.

That's why, it held so much pain inside me, about that group chat thing. Not only, I wasn't there, the nicknames just stabbed through me. I have to admit that it IS fine that I'm not invited. If only, they'd tell me why or if only they didn't have to write it in their names. What hurts me the most are the nicknames. I don't know why. It just hurts because i feel like it's a rub in my face, it's like, yay, it's good that i'm not there. My mind might be over-imaginative. But, that was I what I was thinking. I say, i wasn't overreacting, I know, I wasn't overreacting because I know you would feel the same way too. Some of you guys might not. But I know, some will. It might not hurt you the most, but of course it will be irritating, right? Okay, even if they were talking about me, even if it was secretive, why not doing it during I'm not there? or just not point it out to me that they were having a group chat. I guess I just forced all my thought about the time I was being ignored, all the single days I felt so left out into the group chat. I wasn't that mad about it, I was mad the fact it happened to me again.

On the last post, I didn't say you guys are a horrible friend, I didn't say that I want new friends, I didn't say that I hated you. I was just expressing what I've been feeling. All I said was, I just felt like I wasn't treated right. The things that I've been feeling all while. If I was overreacting, I would be telling the whole world that I don't want to be with you guys anymore. No. I wasn't giving that explanation. I wasn't telling you guys that I don't appreciate you. If I did, I wouldn't be talking to you guys after that. I would say just eff off. But I didn't because no matter how much it hurts there's nothing more worse than not talking to you guys again.

Just now, I wanted to delete that post. I wanted to say, it was stupid and I wanted to let it go. because I felt better and try to get it passed me. Again, I admit that I REGRETTED posting it. I thought that none of you would read my blog. Somehow I'm touched that you do, but it was the worst possible time. But part of me wished that you would read it, because, at least now you know how I've been feeling. Then everything would be okay, I would feel better, i would say sorry I was feeling that way and you would apologize too and that you shouldn't have treated me like that. But, it turned out to be a misunderstanding, it turned out to be a disaster.

I'd force on that word, It's a misunderstanding.

I shouldn't say that you guys are overreacting, but I wish you didn't just let me go that easily. I just wish you didn't say anything bad to me at once. How I'D WISH, that you would re-read it and think it first before judging on what I did write. You weren't reading between the lines. I didn't intend on hurting you guys. Like I said, I just wanted you to realize how much it made me cry.

Maybe right now, you're rolling your eyes. Maybe, you're saying, "whatever" or even say, "it's all just a lie". Everything what I said here, is what I've been trying to tell you all along. All of these years we've had. If you think my apology and explanation isn't sincere then, I just don't know anymore. I would rather sit and talk about this, better than picking a fight. It pains me, when I saw the statuses, that you would just let me go that easily without even talking to me. Judging me without even knowing the truth. It's like, you would just forget all the memories and the awesome time we've been through. Hating me just because of that post. Seriously, I wished you guys just talked to me instead of telling me through the place where most of our friends kow.
When I found out about it, my hands were trembling and my mind was a complete blank.
I didn't do this on purpose, I wasn't going to pick a fight. How many times should I say this, I am just telling how I've been feeling.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the post. I'm sorry that I should have talked about this to you in front of you guys instead of posting it in the blog, it's just 'cause I don't have the guts to do it. I'm sorry, that maybe I'm the one who's not treating you right. I'm sorry that it hurted you. Maybe it's not really my fault, but then, it's not really your fault either.

I'm writing this because you guys meant so much more to me. You guys made my life better and just more amazing. Without you, I wouldn't be the same hyper girl that I am. The times we've been through are the times that I've cherished the most. Nothing is worst than to lose you all. Of course we have our ups and downs and I hope this is just one of those little downs. I'm telling the truth, no matter how big of a fight we get into, I'll always have that little part of me to stick on, to not let go, to stop the fight and to tell me that not even a little fight can break us. That is how much you meant to me.

If you're willing to really let me go, and just not talk to me anymore, that I don't know what to do. I have to say, it is rather a foolish thing, because you're willing to stop all the memories that we're going to make and forget all the times we've been through. I know it might be hard to forget what I just said on that post, but it's even more harder to forget the good old times. and really, i don't want to cause a fight and cause trouble to our group.

I love you guys. I really do. It might be corny to say this, but i'm not complete without you and my life wouldn't be just the same anymore. I hope we can just let this past by. Even if it would take a while to forget. But I really hope, that we can just work it out. Just like you said, we fight a lot, but that's what best friends are, that what makes us stronger, to learn from the mistakes.

I have a million more things to say. But the post is just getting longer and i might be rambling and get things even more confusing. Really, I want to work this out. I've explained, I've apologized, i hope it's just so much clear now. it's not that I want pityness, I just want everything to be the way it used to be. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, and it doesn't matter who's to blame. What matter is, are you just willing to give everything up just because of it? because I'm not.

Again, I'm sorry.

p.s; I don't want things to be shattered up. I really do love you all.